ABOUT 100 ACTS OF LOVE:
A Story of Love, Loss, and Supporting Others Through Grief
FROM ADVENTURE TO ADVOCACY
How Grief Inspired a Mission to Support Friends through Grief
WE MET IN A CAVE, AND THEN I MARRIED HIM
For real! was working for a company that took high school students on adventure trips. He was a teacher. The weekend his school came, I was working on the spelunking activity. Spelunking is another word for crawling into caves on purpose.
At 6'6" tall, crawling into a cave was not his idea of fun. But we had such a great time with the students that he came back again the next day! At the end of the trip, he convinced me that I needed to meet his puppy.
Art was an avid cyclist, often rising before dawn to race. Together, we enjoyed biking and camping, embracing our fast-paced lives while trying to appreciate each other and our family.
Family photo June 2006, six weeks before his first diagnosis.
"YOU HAVE A CANCER": A Fight for Life and
Everything In Between
During a family vacation, Art had a cough and a mild fever. We didn't think much about it.
A week later, Art went for a six-mile run but came home after running only a single mile, saying, "I feel like I can't breathe."
We learned that Art had cancer in the office of an infectious disease doctor.
The doctor showed us an x-ray of Art's chest, and these white specks were all over it. They were the reason he was having trouble breathing.
Art was hospitalized and had surgery to remove a tumor five days later. He was diagnosed with Stage IV Large B-cell lymphoma.
They could not wait for him to heal to begin chemo.
I remember when the nurses brought in the first bag of chemo. They had on PPE with special gloves to protect themselves from a drug that would be going into Art. Art and I looked at each other and started to cry.
THE POWER OF PRACTICAL KINDNESS:
Why saying "If You Need Anything" Isn't Enough
Initially, we were grateful for offers of help, but I quickly realized that saying "If you need anything, let me know was one of the least helpful phrases.
Knowing what we needed was challenging! For instance, I didn't know we needed pasta until the water was boiling!
This led to feelings of guilt and anxiety. In moments of immediate need, such as realizing I needed someone to pick up a child from school. It felt awkward to ask for help.
But there were those who stepped in and seemed to know! They:
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packed the kids' lunches,
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made arrangements to pick up and drop off Art for cancer treatments and
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delivered meals in containers we didn't need to return.
All those "little things" made a big impact.
This tower of Tupperware represents the meals we received during the first two weeks after he was first diagnosed. For scale, Art was 6’6”!
FROM LOSS TO LEGACY:
How Acts of Love Helped Me Heal
Seven months after his first diagnosis, Art was pronounced cancer-free. There was a cautious delight. The side effects of chemo still ruled our lives. He had to rebuild his body, and we had to rebuild our relationship.
Over the next 1 ½, we established a new normal. Art did his first triathlon.
One night, our oldest son, ten at the time, knocked on our bedroom door. "I want to know something," he said. "Will the cancer come back?" Art answered with honesty, "We hope not, kiddo." Satisfied our oldest said, "Ok. Good night," and went to bed.
Christmas 2008, he was lethargic. The day after New Year's he said he couldn't breathe.
When we arrived at the hospital, they admitted him immediately.
Two days later, the doctor who had initially treated Art delivered the news that the cancer was back, Stage IV again.
Below are a few photos from that time.
Top left: Our 6-year-old helps to cut his father's hair off. Bottom Left: Art the day of his 44th birthday. Eight weeks before he died. Photos on the right: ER exam before we knew the cancer had returned.
On the second Monday in April, our doctor told me that Art would die in a few days.
Art had been admitted to the hospital on a Friday, running a fever and showing signs of confusion. By Monday, he was having seizures and unconscious.
On Monday, his doctor said, "He is going to die soon. Because he is young, his death will probably happen on Wednesday or Thursday."
All I remember saying was, "OK."
I had the kids come to the hospital to say goodbye.
Early Thursday morning, I sat at his feet in a hospital room and watched him take his last breath.
He was 44 years old.
TURNING EXPERIENCE INTO ACTION:
A Guide for Supporting Those in Grief
The outpouring of support from friends, colleagues, and, at times, strangers left an indelible mark. I started calling their kind actions "acts of love."
Inspired by what people did and saddened by the many people who didn't know what to do or say, I wrote 100 Acts of Love: A Girlfriend's Guide to Loving Your Friend Through Cancer or Loss.
The book answers the most common question after loss – "What do I say? What do I do?" It provides practical, simple, and easy ways to help someone through loss. Click here to have a personalized book sent to your friend or colleague who needs support today.
But a book wasn't enough for many customers. So I now offer:
From Empathy to Action Course: Mastering the Art of Supporting Someone Through Loss Course.
You want to love your friend through loss, but don't know what to do? This immersive course goes beyond the book and builds upon the foundation of "100 Acts of Love," providing actionable strategies to effectively support someone grieving. Learn from a team of experts and gain the confidence to offer comfort and guidance.
Get Personalized Support: One-on-One Coaching Tailored Just for You.
Ready for a breakthrough in supporting someone through loss? This isn't a generic approach. Get personalized guidance designed to address your unique situation and the specific needs of your loved one. Click here to learn more.
In 2024, I launched Workplace Grief to build a stronger, more humane workplace. Our innovative AI platform equips businesses with the essential tools to support employees and leaders during loss, whether personal or through the death of a fellow employee, fostering a culture of empathy and increased productivity. To learn more, please visit WorkplaceGrief.com. To see how Kim and her team can support you right now, click here.
GRIEF'S JOURNEY
A GIFT OF LOVE
Years later, the pain of loss still surfaces in my children's voices. And the joy of having been loved by their father and our community is also there.
Grief is a lifelong companion. It can teach us about the enduring power of love.
That love is within each of us. I encourage you to support a grieving person, to get through the discomfort, and to show up.
Even the smallest act of love offers solace and reminds all of us, that we are not alone.
An act of love matters because you, sweet reader, matter!
